Can you be single and in a relationship?

I know I am not the only who had given their all when it came to a relationship. You probably felt like you had nothing after it ended.  I have been on this journey of self discovery for a while now, and I am sure I will be on this journey for the remainder of my life. However, I have learned a few things recently, and I would like to share that with you today.

I often lost myself when being in a committed relationship. When it ended I was angry. I was angry because I gave my all and I played into this false reality of a future with someone, that I put aside my wants and what made me happy to make my mate happy. In the end, I was left with a broken heart and confusion as to what I wanted out of life.

I made a vow. I vowed to never lose myself at the expense of a relationship. I vowed to never lose myself at the expense of the life challenges. I vowed to take full control of my life and what makes me happy.

As you know, I am in a committed relationship. I love my boyfriend dearly and we are working to build something great. However, I was detrimental to my relationship. I started focusing completely on him and our future that I forgot about me. Although, I pray we work, I do not know what the future holds. I have vowed to be okay with me whether or not we work. By becoming okay with me and the life I would like to create, I had to take a few steps back.

If you’re wondering how to remain single while being in a committed relationship, continue reading below.

  1. Do the same things you did while you were single: When you were single, you focused on what made you happy. You either started focusing on your health, fitness, and or career goals. You still do all of those things while being in a committed relationship. You just do not disrespect your relationship. Like, dating other people or cheating.
  2. Take time out for you: We can become obsessive with spending everyday with our mate. However, there is a such things as spending too much time with someone. Learn to be okay with being by yourself. Let your mate miss you sometimes.
  3. Focus on building yourself up: No relationship is perfect. We all go through things within our relationships. However, when you focus on building up yourself, you will not need anyone else to do it. For an example, say you got a new client or a promotion at work, and you tell your mate about it. If they do not react in the way that you would like them to, than you would be okay with that. Reason being, is because you have learned to be your own cheerleader.
  4. Learn to love you: When you learn the value of loving yourself and how to love yourself, you will attract the right kind of love in return. You will not tolerate someone within your space that does not love you in the way that you deserve. If your relationship ended for whatever reason, you would be okay. Yes, you would be hurt by it. However, you would not become angered by it.
  5. Crush your goals: Whatever goals you have for yourself, do not let them stop because you are in a committed relationship. You’ll be a much happier person when you are knocking out your personal goals and your relationship will overall be a lot healthier.

Those are some starter tips on how to remain single while being in a committed relationship. Again, no relationship is perfect. However, you do not want to lose yourself in the midst of your relationship. If your relationship ended for whatever reasons( I pray that it does not), you will be okay. You will be able to continue to move forward without having to feel like you’ve lost so much.

I want to know what you think about remaining single while being in a committed relationship. Leave your comments below!

 

 

 

Ms. Intuition 

As a women, we have all been blessed with this thing called intuition. It’s a beast and if we learn to trust it, we can save ourselves a lot of heartache. 

I’ve come to a few conclusions over the past month or so. 

  1. Our intuition informs us when someone is no good for us.
  2. Our intuition informs us when we are not happy in a relationship.
  3. Our intuition informs us when we need to let go and move on. 

Here is the thing ladies. We ignore it. We often believe that we can make things better in our relationships…in our lives if we just stick with it. The truth is, we already know in our hearts that it’s not going to work, we are just not ready to face it. 

There comes a time in our lives where we have to suck up the tears, tuck away the hurt, and put on our big girl pants. We have to learn to accept things for the way they are, and learn to let go of the things that are hurting us. 

I know we’ve all loss someone this year or at some point in our lives. If lossing the people who we hold dear to our hearts has not taught us that life is way too short to live unhappy, than I don’t what else will. 

Sometimes, Ms. Intuition (that’s what I call her) challenges us. She pushes us to face our inner most hurt. And that is, “if I leave him, I’ll be alone”. That is, “what if I don’t find someone else like him”. Well, it’s better to be alone than to be in a situation that is causing you pain. It allows you to heal and move forward in your life. And, why the hell would you want another man that doesn’t value you? I’m sure if he appreciated you, Ms. Intuition wouldn’t be telling you, “it’s time to go”. 

Listen, your intuition is a gift from God. Learn to become intuned with her. Learn to trust her. Learn to trust God. I promise, it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. 

Let me know what you think! Do you agree/disagree???

 Leave comments below 😊 

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Being Single Is A Blessing

Being single is a B….L…E…S…S…I…N…G.

Yes, I am in a committed relationship and I love my boyfriend. However, when I was single, I enjoyed being single. Now, I am enjoying life in a committed relationship.

I am going to drive home this concept of being single as a blessing and not a bad thing.

Here is why…

We have all dated jerks in our lives.

You know:

  •  Mr. No calling you.
  • Mr. Cheater.
  • Mr. Liar.
  •  Mr. Abuser.

If you can recall the relationship, do you remember the hurt you felt while in that relationship and after the relationship ended? It wasn’t a good feeling, I know. Can you remember how you felt once you had time to process and reflect over everything? You felt good, right?

Instead of trying to fill the void of loneliness and jumping into the first relationship that comes across your path… try being selfish with you.

*Check out some activates to do while being single.  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-you-must-when-youre-single.html

My rule of thumb is, you can truly see someone true colors within 6 months to a year. No one can pretend for years to be something they are not. When people say, “oh he just changed one day” after being with someone for years. I find that hard to believe. People show them true selves within that time frame. We just decide to ignore the signs and hope things will get better in time.

Being single is the time to reflect, understand, and grow. This is the period in your life where you can think solely about yourself and your wants. You can figure out who you are and what you like versus what you don’t like.

As long as you have a vagina, there will always be men in the world that will be after you. Why not be picky about who you decide to let into your space?

When you truly learn you and love you, you won’t let just anyone into your space. Being single, and embracing the journey with an open mind will help prepare you for the right man to come into your life.

Think about it. You would have had spent x amount of time with yourself and enjoyed your life, that you will appreciate the right person in your space. When you do get into a relationship, you will become appreciative of it and not feel like you’re missing out on something.

Society tells us we need to be in a relationship to be somebody. However, I am here to tell you that you are somebody whether or not you are in a relationship.

Lets change that bad stigma about being single and embrace the journey!

 

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Living Single

There is a bad stigma behind being single. When In fact, there is nothing wrong with being single. Although, I’m in a committed relationship and I’m very happy with my boyfriend; being single was a good time for me as well. 

I’m going to give you a few things you can do to embrace being single and how to have a good time doing so. 

Below are some ways to embrace your singleness! 

  1. Date yourself: You don’t need a man to take you out on a date. Learn to date you. I go to the movies and out to eat all of the time by myself. It’s actual refreshing and I have learned to enjoy my own company.
  2. Set personal goals and crush them: Alrhough, you are never to become your relationship (when you’re in one), being single is the perfect time to focus on you. I had set career goals and focused on building my business. I put all of my energy into what I wanted to do and focused soley on my wants and needs, and not someone else’s.
  3. Learn to love you: Learning to love you is the best thing you can do for you. Take the time out to learn what makes you happy and what makes you mad. Learn what you like vs what you don’t like. Learn to know what you are looking for in a man vs what you don’t want in a man. Learn to be your very own cheerleader, because if you love who you are, then so will your future mate.
  4. Date: Date when you’re ready of course. But when you get to this stage, date to have a good time and not just so much to find the one. Mr. Right will come when you least expect it and dating around is a great way to understand yourself and your likes vs not likes. 
  5. Develop a hobby: When you keep yourself busy with things that make you happy, you’ll have less time to think about being single. Learn a new skill or take up a new painting class. The more your day is filled with things, the less time you have to dwell on not having someone there. 

These are just the top 5 things I believe are the first steps to embracing being single! 

Remember, being single is a time where you can focus soley on what you want and learn to become the person you want to be. Also, this is the time to heal from the past hurts. 

Never look at being single as a bad thing. Look at it as a way to discover you!

Let me know your thoughts!!! 

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Lesson One: Beauty Within

For 20 years, I did not know what it meant to love yourself. I always looked for love in all the wrong places.

If they thought I was beautiful or smart…I thought that.

If they thought I needed to lose weight and that I was too strong minded…I thought that.

If they no longer wanted to be with me; whether they were at fault, I questioned my worth.

My value..my worth…my beauty, was wrapped up in what a guy thought about me. I was extremely depressed during this period in my life. I did not know who I was and I hated the woman in the mirror.

On my 21st birthday, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to find out who Chelsea was. I wanted to smile at the woman in the mirror.

Although, this has been a very long journey, I finally discovered me.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am enough.

My worth is not based on what some guy thinks about me. My worth is based on how I see myself.

I no longer walk with my head down. I hold my head high and walk with confidence. I know I am the ish and there is no other woman out there like me.

Why?

Because, God uniquely created me and there is not another me out there.  I now know, in order to have any successful relationship, you have to first have one with yourself.

Learn to love you.

Learn to appreciate you.

Learn to be selfish with you.

Sometimes you have to look yourself in the mirror and say, “Damn girl, you’re beautiful!”

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Embrace YOU

Be YOU!

Teach the world how to love you.

Teach the world how to respect you.

Teach the world how to appreciate you.

Be YOU!

Aspire to embrace you.

Aspire to love you.

Aspire to appreciate you.

Be YOU!

Never apologize for being strong minded.

Never apologize for being ambitious.

Never apologize for having standards.

Be YOU!

Never settle.

Never give up.

Learn to love the woman you are.

Embrace YOU.

**Need help transforming your mind? Click hereto check out the services I offer.

Not ready for a Self-Transformational Coach, no worries. Just subscribe and follow my blog!  

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The Insecure Me

Have you ever been insecure? And I am not speaking to being insecure in a romantic relationship. I am referring to being insecure in life.

Have you mapped out the perfect plan for your life?

I am guilty of doing so. I will be the first to tell you that life does not go as planned. Life has this way of throwing us curve balls and you either get out of the way or you jump on the wave and ride it until the end.

Insecurities develop from the lack of confidence in oneself. You question yourself on if you are making the right decision(s) or if you are living the correct lifestyle. You often find yourself stuck and you start to develop a daily routine of playing it safe. Never taking chances and never learning to trust yourself is better than believing in yourself and taking steps out on faith.

Being insecure in yourself will leave you living a unfulfilled life. 

Learning to fully trust yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. When you fully trust you, you no longer question if you are making the right decision on quitting that job or starting that business. You know in your heart you are making the right decision and you will do everything you can to see it through.   

I vowed that things would be different this year.

I vowed to not let my insecurities about the unknown leave me at a stand still.

I vowed to face my fears head on this year.

I vowed to not settle and to make my dreams my reality.

Are you ready to take control of your secret doubts? Are you ready to go after all that life has for you? If so, start today by facing all of your insecurities about yourself and telling them they no longer have any control over you. 

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Thank You!

Thank you for all of the broken promises you made. You taught me that a man is only good by the actions he shows.

Thank you for telling me to be realistic about my dreams and aspirations in life. You taught me to never settle in life and to hell what others say.

Thank you for walking out on me. You taught me to never depend on someone to always be there.

Thank you for the fake tears. You taught me that any living human being can fake a tear or two.

Thank your mom for telling me I was not good enough for you. You helped me to realize, it was in fact you who was not good enough for me.

Thank you for loving me incorrectly. You taught me love is when you love unselfishly.

Thank you for breaking my heart. You showed me to learn to love myself. Loving myself was the greatest gift I could ever give to my future, now current man.

Thank you for showing me all of the qualities I could never want in a man.

 

Sincerely yours truly,

 

Doing better without you!

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Note to Self

           Dear self,

My have you grown within the last past months…really years. I remember it like it was yesterday. You graduated college with endless opportunities waiting for you and there was a world awaiting for you to explore it. You vowed to  never settle for less in life and to always love yourself. Well, you did just that. You settled and you did not truly love yourself. You became prettified with fear of being alone and not being whom others wanted you to be…become. You lost yourself. Baby girl, you lost yourself.  You’ve become accustomed to a way of living of pleasing everyone but yourself. You have lost your voice…your strength…yourself.  You hide behind the wall you have built to prevent people from entering your heart. However, that very wall you built has stopped you from being you. You allow the opinions of others to dictate how you feel about yourself…how your life should be lived…what you should be doing…who you should be with or not be with.

Baby girl, how did you get here? How can you be in a world with full of people and still feel alone?  Why do you hate yourself? Why do you allow boys to treat you like trash and not like the queen you are? Why do you care what others say and or think about you? Why are you not allowing your light to shine bright? So many questions to why you are living a limited life, and yet you cannot seem to find the answers… until now.

It is now 2016, and you are finally living for you. It took several disappointments and two heartbreaks for you to appreciate the woman..queen you are. It took for God to make you come face to face with all of the pain that you kept deep within side of you. He had to break your heart. They had to not support you. They had to talk about you. You had to be alone. You had to hit rock bottom.Without these steps taking place, you would not be able to be who you truly are. You are a queen. You are a woman of God. You are amazingly flawed. You’re able to finally love the right man. You’re finally able to blossom into that beautiful flower. You’re finally able to let the world see the real you. In all honesty baby girl, I don’t know why it took you so long. However, I am happy you are ready.

Life is a journey.  The best part about life is that you get to live it the way you want, and not how anyone else wants you to live it. As long as you are pleasing God, nothing else matters. Now, get out into the world and explore all of its beauty. You only get one life to live baby girl, so make it count!

Love yours truly,

 

Chelsea S. Thomas

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Dating while celibate

If you have not done so, check out my post about Celibacy. It provides you with some background info about celibacy.

If you have had sexual relations in the past, than restraining from sex can be challenging. However, it is not impossible to do. You have to first have a made up mind. Secondly, identify why you are celibate. Third, be honest with yourself and the individuals you are dating and or in a committed relationship with.

Dating when you have decided to practice celibacy can be tricky if you are not 100% confident in your decision to take this journey. You will have men that will tell you they are not able to date and or be in a committed relationship with you if you are not involved sexually. I am not going to lie, it does hurt a bit, especially if you like the person. However, it is best to get rid of the guys who are only with you because of sex. Now some men will be honest and just tell you they cannot and do not want to partake in a celibate lifestyle, and that does not mean they are bad people. It just means they are not for you.

When you truly commit to being celibate and you start actively dating, you learn a lot about yourself and the kind of men you want. You learn to understand your needs and wants, and you pay very close attention to what his needs and wants are as well. You quickly weed out the boys who just want sex from you and notice the men who have more to offer you than wet panties (excuse my bluntness). You gain a sense of confidence about yourself and your worth, and honey when you have discovered your self worthNO MAN will be able to take that from you.

Here are a few tips on how to date successfully while being celibate:

  1. Be honest with the guy you are on a date with and or dating. Tell him you are celibate and you are not having sex until you are married. Do not tell him in a way where you are giving him a ultimatum. However, tell him in a way where you are just voicing what you want out of any serious relationship. (I would not bring this up on the first date either).
  2. Date men who are on the same path as you or who are open to the idea of being celibate. Dating men who are already and or are open to practicing celibacy will help you stay on the correct path of your journey.
  3. DO NOT be afraid to walk away or stop dating men who do not want to practice celibacy. If he has told you that he does not want to and or does not see himself not have sexual relations with any woman he is involved with, please believe him. YOU CANNOT CHANG HIS MIND.
  4. Journal about each date and talk to a friend or family member you trust about your journey. I advise to only talk to supportive people about your celibacy journey. The harsh truth of it all is most people cannot imagine a relationship (even if dating) without sex, and most people are not supportive. Talking to someone who is supportive of your decision will help you to stay on track.
  5. Enjoy the journey! Get to know yourself. Learn to truly love yourself and all of your assets. Be confident in your decision to practice celibacy and DO NOT LET ANYONE CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Just like with anything, it does take sometime for Mr. Right to come along. However, when he does, you will know. Whether he is practicing or willing to practice celibacy with you, it will be a great journey for the both of you! Just remember to be patient and enjoy dating!

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